i've never been particularly age obsessed... never fudged when asked my age... and, in fact, i've found i've rather enjoyed growing older. with each passing year i've felt freer, less self-conscious and shy (a true bane of my youth) and much more willing to do what i love, say what i think, go where i want, and damn the consequences. with age i've been liberated. i've discovered a comfortableness with who i am that is absolutely glorious.
but, as with all things in life, there is a down side to getting older. friends and loved ones grow ill, family members die. how can this happen? the essential, vital beings in your life slowly begin to disappear, and you feel as if you are vanishing too. this year i lost my nephew Mateo and my brother Greg within a matter of months. the pain is still acute. it is hard to breathe, hard to eat, hard to sleep. i miss them so much, and have a difficult time carrying on in a world without their physical presence.
yet, they are always with me. i see and feel them everywhere. my love for them grows deeper every day. my memories are strong and untroubled. these are the comforts that will help carry me through the pain and into a peaceful coexistence with their deaths.
a few weeks ago, i had lunch with my father's life long best friend, Don Marine. he brought with him some pictures from my youth. this is one of the pictures he gave me.
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| Iowa, 1960 |
in this picture, my father, GR, dead for 20 years, sits in front. my mother, Pearl Ann, dead for five years, sits behind. my brother, Greg, dead for 3 months, is by my side. they surround me. they protect me. they love me. they have left me to travel the river together, until i can again be by their side. this image breaks my heart. this image comforts me. it is a wonderful birthday gift that i will treasure for all my birthdays to come.
